Dear · Diary

So I've gained weight and I'm totally happy about it. Totally! 100000001% happy that I have. I think it's funny too. Cause well...
My jeans that ripped...well...they ripped cause i bent over. Then after I gained more weight, they ripped more whenever I'd bend over.
Then today, I just tried putting on a different pair of jeans and...well they wouldn't go up my ass. It was quite a struggle, but I got em on!

Yeah, I like myself!
That is all.

I wanna party.

ok seriously. ppl need to post.

i feel bad cause i totally fell asleep and didnt call rachel.
Sorry!

i'm excited for tomorrow night, but i swear to god - if boys show up i will be the first to flip shit. and if i haven't been drinking, then i'm more than comfortable leaving. i swear to god...if i see cock i'm gonna be mad.
sarah's dressing up and i kinda want to too. i thought dress...then she said nice shirt and i'm like ah shit nvm. we'll see what i can dig up.

i'm determined to learn at least two more songs on the piano over break at the rate i'm going. so far, i've learned:
samson by regina spektor
and
love song by sara bariellies. idk how to spell her name.

i want to learn time after time by cindi lauper and....we'll see what else there is.

i know it's late, but i just can't sleep yet. i had just...a really nice night.

first rachel picked me up and we went to kohls to buy new shoes. you see, my parents were arguing today about whether or not i should be allowed to buy new shoes just cause my mom spent so much money on me in india. at least 1000 bucks (ya shit's expensive). finally my dad gave in b/c my mom says she's going to throw away the shoes i've had since 7th grade (she's a crazy!). she can't do that. so i said, fine mom, i'll buy your fucking shoes, but you can't throw away my other ones. anyways, rachel picked me up and i took my 20% off coupon to kohls and bought the cutest pair of (sensible) shoes. they're totally cute. except they're very white and i'm just...afraid.

then we stopped back at my house and i grabbed my suit. the one for swimming. we went back to her house and changed and shit and hot tubbed.

devin and...get this...joe frank came. joey. joe. alskdfj;alksdjf

i feel stupid thinking about it as much as i do, but...i dont think i'll just ever forget being his dance partner and spending so much time with him during west side story. i just can't remember anyone who made me laugh so retardedly and so hard the way he did! plus, i just can't remember ever feeling that much like...chemistry and passion between me and someone else. it was so goddamn sexy. just dancing and laughing and talking. i totally wanted him...and i've gotta say...he totally wanted me. thing is...we never happened.
one day, he walks up to me and goes all angrily "...wtf...you're having a thing with max?" and i'm all like...goddamnit yes i am. i just never told joe and i felt bad. i never told him.
the next day i find out he's fucking been having a little thing with erika and i approach him the way he did me.
joe and i never bothered to tell the other we were semi-involved with other people. goddamn. just...there was such chemistry between us.

anyways...joe and dev came over and it was really nice. we just all chatted. just chatted. for about 2 and a half, 3 hours. just talked. caught up. anything. we reminisced about high school, the musicals, what have you. it was just so nice. to just talk and laugh. we played some DDR. it sucked.

all i can say is that this night was just so nice. no other word could describe it. it was just. so. nice.

oh! and at least joe and dev believe in spending 50-60 thousand dollars on a wedding.

ok. now i have a secret to admit. definetly not as cool as rachels (just warning you).
i saw I Am Legend the other day. i was so f-ing scared at night. it freaked the fuck out of me. so i went and slept in my mom's bed with her.
dad was on the computer all night so i was already sleeping by the time he came into the room. too bad for him.

i'm glad i'm home.

ok - so...i signed up for the dorms for the 1st semester of next year. i dont know if i should even bother living with jen and the other girls for half the year if i'm going to be going somewhere else the semester after that.
i dont want to deal with a lease/having to find a replacement if i dont have to.
but then again, it would suck to end up not moving all year then being stuck in the dorms.
w/e...we're gonna look at places over spring break. we'll see.

yeah, i'm just glad to be home.
sometimes i think about majoring in history. just cause history is just awesome. i love it. love it love it. it's just too cool. but then i think - wtf am i gonna do with a major in history. i could like...live in a museum and give tours and become awesome. or i could like...teach. idk.

a dream of mine - sometime in life - is to give tours. somewhere. idc if i become a CA at uwm or whatever school i go to. or i could work at a museum over the summer and give tours. cause i love telling people about shit. interesting shit!

id never get krunk at my own wedding. ever. cause its stupid and i dont want to be retarded at my own wedding and it's a night youre supposed to remember. that's all.

i asked my mom about how much you're supposed to spend on a wedding. she said 100 thousand dollars. and i'm glad cause that's what i thought at 1st!

gotta help my mom!

and he broke my shot glass

and spilled wine all over my floor.

im not happy
i just want to go home
and i want my mommy

So...I keep setting shit to private...but...they're obviously not private because my entries are read by people who need to like...stop being invasive. How the hell do I set it to forever private anyone?!

Max got krunk last night. He broke a promise he made to me. Something that was important enough to me that I broke down in front of him asking him to stop doing it. Multiple times. Each time I became more and more upset because it made me realize how much my words DIDNT mean if I keep on having to tell him. How hard is it to choose me over smoking?
Turns out he broke his promise. Then blames me. Then says it's cause I finally told him I applied somewhere else.

I just...can't help but think that my words dont mean anything to him. I can say whatever I want. I can cry as much as I can, but it doesn't matter. He's gonna do whatever. He even knew while he was diong it, he was breaking a promise. But it didn't stop him. And after we've been together for so long, I can't believe how much a promise means to him. I always thought it was just the world to him...and that was something I admired so so much. But things change suddenly, dont they?

All he thought about was himself.
He didnt think that, god, this must be hard for her. I know she's unhappy here, but she's gotta do what's right for her even if it means having a long-distane relationship.
Instead: youre leaving ME. LEAVING me That's what he said.
He didnt for one second think, she loves me. she loves me so much but she needs to do this for herself.
Instead: she doesn't want to be with me. she's going to be happier somehwere I'M NOT. That's what he said.
He didnt think, we love eachother so much. we'll be fine. i have faith in us.
Instead: ...you scared me. i'm scared for us. what are we going to do? it's going to be hard. you leaving will be a step backwards for us. how can you do this That' what he said.

Ya it's gonna be hard. We're gonna be four hours apart. But god, we made promises to eachother about our future. We're not just going to abandon those. College is the real test of love and relationships. If it falls apart, it wasn't meant to be. If it was meant to be, it'll work. And we've always planned...that no matter what...it'll work. My faith in us never once faltered when I realized I wanted to switch schools. Ya we'll be far, but we're supposed to be together. It's ok.

Why doesn't he have faith in us?

But no...it's not good enough for HIM.
HE won't be happy.
It won't be right for HIM.
him.

I'm not happy here. I've been through multiple ups and downs this year. It wasn't good.
He kept asking me, "you don't know what's wrong with you, babe?"
...I didn't. I didn't know why I was feeling this way.
When I finally figure out that I'm not happy at UWM...it's...wrong. When I finally figure out that I'm not happy at UWM...idk.

How hard was it for me to realize that that's why I'm not happy? God...so hard. I want to leave my friends and family? ...
God and then I ahve to tell Max. How am I going to tell Max that I want to switch schools? I can't imagine being without him, but I'm just not happy here. I hope he understands.

What am I saying? My words don't really mean anything, do they? You'll just keep feeling what you feel, right? When I need you the most, you're anywhere but here.

My words don't mean anything.

My mom called me last night! It was really exciting!
I'm glad I answered because I never answer when I don't know the number...and I didn't recognize the number. But I'm glad I answered!
I really miss her. It's weird not being able to just call her when I'm done with class or just sitting in my room not doing anything...cause that's what I do. Everyday. It sucks.

I'm really looking forward to coming home on Thursday.
Sleeping in my own bed. Showering in my own shower.

I should marry Tim the Tool Man Taylor. He's a nice guy. But I hear Tim Allen in real life can kind of be an asshole. Just like Bob Saget.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't had sex before I was married. Cause it's not what my God says to do. Just cause...you know? Isn't that silly? No. I don't think so.
But I believe that...at least for me...sex is for you and one other person. And as of now, I plan on that being the case.

OK so get this. How much, on average, is spent for a wedding?
How much should your engagement ring be?

My thighs are really sore for some reason. They just hurt so bad!

I downloaded the Sara Bareilles's CD. It's nice. I really like Love Song. It's just fun to dance to!

Every Monday and Wednesday I turn on VH1 before 10 and watch the music videos and dance right in front of the TV. Right in front. It's too fun.

MTV needs to not play America's Best Dance Crew.

How can you not know you're pregnant? I mean, I know there are stories of younger girls just...gaining a little bit of weight and still having their periods and everything, but who are pregnant. Isn't that nuts? Sometimes when my period is like...a day late, I get scared that I'm pregnant, even though I know I'm not. It's just like....wtf! How can you not know there's a baby in you?!

I definetly didn't know it was daylight savings time yesterday. I went down to the cafeteria and wondered why it was closed, it was only 610. Then i realized that it was actually 710. I was wondering why I missed the news on TV. I don't know how I didnt realize the time while I was watching TV Guide.

I think I want to email the head of admissions at LAX to see when the deadline for submitting applications was. I'm just super scared that I missed the deadline. I'll be upset if I did, but at least I won't be surprised or anything. Are there sororities in LAX? I think I asked Rachel and she told me, but I forgot.

See...let me narrate what's going on.
April 3, 2002. It was a typical day for Tanya Hernadez; work, school, work. She'd work and shit, but when she'd take a break, she'd just be in so much pain. She just pushed through the pain. What she didn't know was that she was pregnant!
2 years before, she was told that she could never get pregnant! She doesnt like...have a cervix!
She had her period. She didn't gain weight. WTF!
That evening, back in her dorm after 12 hours of labor, she was in her bed in the fetal position cause she didnt know wtf was going on. She's just in crazy pain!
When the baby crowned, she learned the truth; not only was she pregnant, she was giving birth.
Luckily, her instincts kicked in and she delivered her baby.
It's a girl!
But like...WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?! You know?
She called her friend and her friend came to the dorm, but couldn't get in cause it was locked. And the preggers girl couldn't get to the door cause she was still connected to the baby.
Then the friend got the RA or w/e and then they cut the chord with scissors. But it's like...wtf...they didn't even tie off the chord! Then they wrapped the baby up and like...hid it to make it look like she broke her arm so nobody would notice.

Like...wtf. Vaginas are fucking crazy.

Nothing exciting in my life.
Whatsoever.

Im really looking forward to going home for spring break.
I wanna have a sleepover. I wanna dance in my sun room!
I just know that I'm gonna have a good time (I think).

I hope the girls go out for a nice lunch or dinner sometime during break.

Um...yeah.

I know I should be studying for psych, but...talking to Rachel and Lj-ing is totally cooler.

Mythology is cool. Lynn Levrens is our teacher. She's a fucking weirdo. Personally, she reminds me of a velociraptor. She's just so weird.
But I like mythology cause I like...already know all the shit. So it's fun. Cause it's easy. NOt to mention Devin, Max, and I have a hoot together.

Psychology. I want to do therapy. Relationship therapy. Cause...in real life, I love to pry and help people and get involved and know shit (which I totally do!). Why not make it a living? My rents are all like, "you know you'll have to go to graduate school, right?" And I'm all like, "well no duh, I didn't think I wasn't going to grad school."
Part of me wishes that I had known I wanted to do psych right off the bat, just so I'd be...all caught up and everything right off the bat. But it's not like I'm realizing this too late. W/e. It's all good. At least I know what I want to do for sure.

I want to get engaged by the time I'm twenty......four. Then I'm gonna be married by twenty-five. I'm gonna have babies when I'm twenty-seven.
Except if I go to grad school, I have a feeling that everything will get pushed back. I don't wanna be in my fifties when my children are in high school/starting college.
I'm gonna be a MILF.

But who knows, part of me feels that I will (and moreso...I'll want to) get caught up in my career and shit like that and be too busy to...have everything that I want. Sometimes I just want that though...to get caught up in everything.

Isn't weird how people like...get married? WEll idk...It just hit me and it hit me as weird.

I had a dream last night where I was sitting in the Union studying for the psych test I have today. Then Pat came up to me and was like, "ok, sorry we haven't been able to talk, but let me tell u what's up now. I'm sorry we can't be together, but you ahve to remember: Africa."
"What? What about Africa?"
"...I'm going to Africa. Remember? To start an organization so they can become engineers like me."

It was really weird.

Last night I was laying in bed and I said in my head, "I love Max. ...wait...what the fuck is love?" So turned around and woke Max up to ask him what he thinks.
"Caring about someone's wellbeing moreso than your own." That's what he said.
I couldn't...say anything at all.

...haha love is being hungry at the same time as someone else who is far away!

Seriously though...I didn't know what to say.
Then Max said, "Common...just say something! Pretend you're in second grade and someone asks you!"
Then I said, "...love is...making silly plans for the future." I think he got a little upset because maybe he thought I was reffering to our plans. Did I spell that right? Anyways, I mean...I could go on about our plans and what I think are silly and realistic forever.
Then I said to him again, "Love is...when you're pissed off to the MAX and the person you're pissed at still makes you laugh really hard even though it's the last thing you want to do at that moment. EVER." Cause that's what I think is love. Cause...it happens to me. A lot. It makes me smile.

I was talking to Rachel, and I think I realized the...word...that goes along to what I've been feeling I think...and it's lonely. Weird huh? I think so too.
Granted I get home sick, I can get on a bus and stop at home whenever I want. It made me feel so much better to be at home the last two days with Daddy. It was just really nice.
What's weird is that I have everyone here. My Hefferson with whom I can laugh and talk about anything to, Macks, the guys, Kels/Mindy, suitemates...everyone is here. But why do I feel so alone?

Sometimes Macks doesn't make it any better though.

I hope it wasn't too late to apply to LAX when I did. I haven't even told anyone about it yet. Well except...now whoever is reading this knows.

I'm just not happy. And I'm hungry. That really tops it off.

Allie came down last night. I had fun. Memo came too with two of his lady-friends. They were really nice. It also turns out I've been bowling wrong all of my life. Turns out, if I bowl the "right" way, I'm good.

Last Saturday, Max and I stayed in bed until 445. We woke up at like 11am, but we just stayed in bed watching TV. It was...a really nice day. We just talked. It was nice.

MY foot is asleep.

Um...I'm bad at working on things when I'm supposed to.

I'm a little upset that Allie didn't say anything funny that I could quote. She usually has something to say. Well she's a funny bowler at least.

I'm just so goddamn busy.
I can't stand it.

I'm watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Yaya. I remember when me, Katie, Heft, and Rachel watched it and Rachel and I cried and Heft and Kate were stupids and laughed the whole time. It was a sad movie.

I'm even too busy to probably be writing this.

I went home tonight to say bye-bye to my mama.
I won't really be able to talk to her...at all. I can't call cause calling from the cell is gonna be WAY SUPER expensive. I can email her, but she wont be at the computer at all ever. She's gone for a month.
I kinda teared up in the car on the way back to UWM when my rents dropped me off.
I'm just gonna miss her...that's all.

I'm feeling a bit caught up with shit, just cause I skipped my first class today to write my paper due on Thursday. I still have an exam Thursday though.
I have another paper due next Thursday however. And it's hardcore compared to the one I'm writing for this Thursday.

I think I'm still going to Max's play Wednesday night. He gave me three free tickets, so I might as well use them. Plus he said he thinks I'm gonna love the play. It's apparently "hilarious." "Side-splitting." "Awesome."
Then Thursday night I'm gonna go back to NB with my Heferson to see Guys and Dollz with a Z.

ok hangin with suitemates. write later

I don't know how I feel about Milwaukee.
I don't know if I like it here as much as I did before.
I can't put my finger on it, but I know that I'm not...I guess "growing."
I just don't like where I am.
Of course there are things that I don't want to leave behind here, but...I'm just not happy.
That's the only way I can put it: I'm just not happy.
I don't want to be here.

Ok, so you guys will still be friends with me if I really like Doctor Doolittle 3, right? Cause it's not bad.

I have a lot of shit today, but I haven't started. I know I wont for a while...which sucks. Cause I really need to. As of today, this is when I become really overwhelmed with...school work and shit. Then I'll just freak out and shit.

I'll update more later.
Peas

i really need to make sure that i set my entries to private.

So dance class is totally just the most awesome thing to ever happen to me.
I've had several people ask me if I was a dance major. ...I'm like totally not.
Max and I pretty much kick ass. It's just so much fun.
Monday it was only me, Max, and this girl Annie who's just fucking weird and then a guy Brad who is...I'm pretty sure like...super duper ADD.
Anyways, our teacher, Laura, is so cute and I totally have a big ol lesbian crush on her. She's so cute!
W/e...point is, dancing rocks.

I need space. I just plain old can't breathe.

I feel like I might be going into a semi-funk again. But I think it might be because I just need my space and once I've found it, I'll be ok.

My mom is going to India on Feb 20th and I'm for sure going home the weekend of the 15th. But I don't know if I should go home for a little bit this upcoming weekend. I know she wants me to, but...I...don't want to stay long; maybe for one night and the next day and that's it.

Rachel, you should come both weekends, but I thought...If you come down the next weekend (Feb 22-24) if you have one free night, you could either come to the UWM play (cause I plan on going twice) or Guys and Dollz With A Z.

I want to live in Tim the Tool-Man Taylor's house.

Max and I are going through marital problems. I hope things work out. I just get so frusterated with him, that's all. And he doesnt understand. I couldn't begin to talk to him about how I feel because...I'd be shot back comments about how he's not...whatever it is he is.

I need to clean. It'll make me feel better.
I don't feel good.
I need a hug.

I went to Bayshore the other day and bought underwears and the Desire scent. I think Desire is my favorite out of all three. I was thinking about LoveSpell, but I thought...nahhh. Plus Steph told me I could use her LoveSpell bodywash cause she doesn't want it anymore, so it's pretty much mine, so yeah.

I want to be rich. Then I'll buy custom-made shoes...because my left foot is like a whole size and a half smaller than my right. It drives me nuts.

I just have so much work to do. I just feel like there is so much shit to finish that...I'm just not getting done. I bet I could be doing a lot more than writting on LJ.

I bought a Psych book from the Panther Bookstore for $147.00. I have class late 3 out of the 4 days I have class. I emailed my teacher the day that I got the book to see if it was the right book, but it turns out that that day was the day I could return books for their full price. My teacher said it was the wrong book, so I went back there today to see what would happen. All day I was so......pissed because I spent 150 dollars for it and I just knew that I wouldn't be getting every cent back. I bought the book, I put it in my room, and didn't touch it until today. It's in all of it's packaging.
The guy at the bookstore was really nice (and cute) about the whole dealio. He offered me 85 dollars. I said to him, "Like...I'm not trying to be mean or anything cause...I understand your policy, I guess...but I don't understand how a brand new edition of a book that I bought three days ago in all of it's packaging has gone down in value all of a sudden." Like I said, he was really nice. He ended up giving me $100. I told myself that I wouldn't accept anything less than 100 bucks and that's what I got, so I guess I'm content, but still...I got gypped out of 50 dollars.

I miss eating Great Wraps. I was walking outside and I smelled Great Wraps. Then I got sad.

Today Max and I have been together for a year. We've been through lots of shit, but it makes us who we are. I'm happy. I never really thought that we'd make it this far, especially with the whole going to college thing, but we stuck through it all. We went to Original Pancake House this morning cause it's a special day. We're also not doing anything for Vday cause...we don't want to. I'm a happy girl.

I should learn how to put makeup on. Hey! Rachel was gonna give me pre-college makeup lessons. All I know how to put on is eye liner. I betcha I'm not even doing that right.
During Xmas break in Boston Store, they were giving away free samples of foundation. I have a difficult time finding my right color; the ones I've found are either just too light or just too dark and I'm right in the middle.
The brand that was giving away foundation was Prescriptives. That color matched my skin exactly. It's really good and it just makes you look...good. It's just awesome and I'm sad I'm running out of that tiny sample.
...$65 for an actual size of foundation.
Fuck that shit.

Somtimes I feel suffocated.
I need some room to breathe.
Sometimes I just wanna flail when I feel suffocated, you know?

I wanna play pool and go bowling with Heft. Let's do it bitch. Rachel you should come down here and do it with us! :D
I'm good at pool now.

I'm excited to see 12th Night. I hear it's gonna be neato.
Heft, do you wanna go opening night?

Um...so...yeah that was my real post.

heres my post